Setting Boundaries with Relationship Coach Nora Dekeyser
In this episode, I’m introducing you to my dear friend Nora Dekeyser. Nora is a former celebrity match-maker turned life and relationship coach who I first met like anyone meets people these days… through Instagram. There is no denying that with this season can bring some added pressures not only to our time and finances, but also to our relationships and emotions across the board. So how do we set healthy boundaries to help us navigate this to maintain strong, loving relationships, especially during the holiday season? I thought it might be helpful to bring in an expert to help us do just that. Tune in to hear Nora’s powerful and heartfelt wisdom!
In this episode, we’ll chat about:
Three types of boundaries and how to know when to set them
Steps for setting loving boundaries
How to navigate fear of setting boundaries
Welcome back to the show, friends! At the time we’re recording this, we are in the thick of the holiday season. I LOVE the holidays, the food, the parties, the decorations, the people, all of it. But there is no denying that with this season can also come added pressures not only to our time and finances, but also to our relationships and emotions across the board.
Listen, I love my family, and I’m sure you love yours too! But, let’s face it, sometimes family can frustrate us, annoy us, and just straight up piss us off. So how do we set healthy boundaries to help us navigate this to maintain strong, loving relationships, especially during the holiday season? I thought it might be helpful to bring in an expert to help us do just that.
I met today’s guest like anyone does in this day and age… through Instagram. We connected after she heard my story on Good Morning America and we’ve been kindred spirits ever since!
MEET NORA DEKEYSER
Nora Dekeyser is a former celebrity Matchmaker turned Life and Relationship Coach. Have you seen the movie Hitch? Well, that was basically Nora. She has worked with some of the world's most successful CEO’s, entrepreneurs, and actors in New York City and Los Angeles. Featured as a relationship expert for ABCLA, Business Insider, and Elite Daily, Nora has a unique method in helping her clients connect with their inner authenticity and confidence. She teaches the art of connection and personal empowerment in life, dating, and business through her company, BeFound. And I’m so thrilled and honored to introduce you to her here today on the podcast as we talk all things relationships and boundaries. Without further ado, let’s dive on in to the good stuff.
STEPS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH NORA DEKEYSER
First, let’s normalize that know family is perfect. BUT, so often the imperfection IS the joy.
The best tool for creating healthy family dynamics and relationships in general is through boundaries. The purpose of boundaries is not to push people away, but to create deeper connections and stronger relationships.
Step 1: Notice where you’re already feeling resentment, anger, triggers, annoyance, anxiety, frustration or the need to prepare for your conversation with another person. Then, ask yourself where that anxiety or emotion came from or what happened last time you interacted with them to make you feel that way.
Emotions aren’t random, they come from past experiences. These emotions are a signal to you of where and with whom you need to set a boundary.
Step 2: Ask yourself how you co-created that dynamic or situation and take ownership.
If you continue playing victim and blaming the other person, nothing is resolved. If you want a change, make a change within yourself. It takes a lot of self-love and compassion to ask this question because it is so easy to point the finger at other people.
It’s okay to acknowledge feelings of anger and resentment if they come up, but the truth is that life doens’t change unless you change. You can hope and pray for the rest of your life that people will change, OR, you can ask yourself where that resentment comes from and how you co-created it. Maybe it’s due to a lack of boundaries. Maybe you haven’t communicated them with the people in your life. Maybe you’ve willingly allowed them to cross your boundaries without consequence which is why those patterns continue.
NORA’S NUGGET OF WISDOM: The moment you think you know someone is the moment that relationship is dying. Don’t assume that the people in your life should know what you want and vice versa. It’s your job to communicate that to them.
Step 3: Set the boundary.
3 TYPES OF BOUNDARIES
Energetic Boundaries: For example… how much time you spend with other people, how much time you’re going to think about things or peoples, how much energy you want to put in that relationship.
Physical Boundaries: For example… physically saying something to another person about how you’re feeling, what is okay with you, and what is not okay with you.
Time Boundaries: For example… how much time you spend of your life with the people or things in your life (could be individuals, or things like social media)
You can set a boundary when the dynamic comes up, reactively in the moment to teach the other person how to be in relationship with you. For example, if someone starts asking at the dinner table you why you aren’t eating a piece of pie that they know is your favorite, that can be the time you let them know what you are making the choice for yourself. You can also set a boundary proactively, before the dynamic comes up if you’re more comfortable.
When you set boundaries, present them with “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Make sure your language is one of self-ownership, not blame.
FEAR OF SETTING BOUNDARIES
The first step to setting boundaries, especially if doing so makes you uncomfortable, is self-acceptance and self-compassion. If you grew up in a family that didn’t set healthy boundaries as a common occurance, you might see boundaries as wrong and bad. It might feel like trying to speak an entirely new language. Be gentle with yourself.
If you want to learn how to set boundaries, and essentially speak a new language, you’re going to have to take language classes. Which is why you’re here, to learn, and that means your growth is already happening! Celebrate that.
Remember that setting boundaries isn’t selfish but loving for you and the people you are in relationship with. People pleasing, on the other hand, is actually very harmful and manipulative. Making other people happy might feel like a noble goal, but at the end of the day it isn’t true connection if you are only interacting in a way that is to please others at the expense of your own happiness and authenticity.
A great way to feel more confident when setting boundaries is to practice! You can practice with yourself, such as setting boundaries around how much time you spend on social media or thinking about certain things, or you can practice and role play with other people. As you practice, your ability to set boundaries will grow like an emotional muscle.
The best tip for setting boundaries: just be 100% honest with yourself and others. That is the core of loving, healthy, thriving relationships.
CHANGING RELATIONSHIPS
Keep in mind that not everyone will respond well to your boundaries, and that’s okay. As you learn and grow as a person and set better boundaries for yourself, that might mean a shift in your relationship dynamics which might make others uncomfortable. But at the end of the day, the more honest and real you are with yourself and others, the better relationships you will find and grow in your life.
Some questions to keep in mind from Nora…
What’s MY business?
My business is how I’m co-creating this situation, where there might be resentment, where I can set boundaries, what I need, what I want, and if I’m being 100% honest.
What’s THEIR business?
How they react is their business, which is a part of their own growth and journey.
What’s GOD’S business?
God’s business is ff the relationship continues or not and how it grows in the future.
Give people the other people the opportunity to surprise you. Instead of being fully authentic, sometimes we continue trying to control the relationship or situation when in reality, the other person probably wants a relationship with you as much as you want with them. All we can control is our own honesty and authenticity.
This holiday season, let’s make more space for love and joy by learning to set healthy and loving boundaries. If you’re looking for a little more support for doing so, click here to grab my free Holiday Survival Guide to help you do just that.