Other People’s Opinionsf
It’s that time of year where many of us are gathering together with family and friends to celebrate the holiday season! It can be a joyful, wonderful time of connection and memory making… but with it can also come some uncomfortable conversations and unwarranted opinions from the people closest to us. In this episode, we dig deep to understand why other people’s opinions can hurt us and how to navigate those both internally and externally so we can make more space for joy this season.
In this episode, we’ll chat about:
Why other people’s opinions do or don’t affect us
Safeguarding our own beliefs and using our defensiveness for personal growth
How to respond to and set boundaries with family, especially during the holidays
IT’S NORMAL TO CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK
I know we’d all love to say that we don’t care what anyone else thinks about us, but the truth is that we do. And that’s totally normal! As humans, we are hardwired to care about what other people think. Just think back to our earlier ancestors. Community was crucial to our survival. If you didn’t have a tribe, your odds of making it were slim to none.
Even in present times, we are conditioned to seek approval from others from the time we are born. Our parents praise us for good behavior and reward us for a job well done. Based on the feedback that we receive when we are little, we are conditioned to act a certain way for approval and acceptance from our parents, teachers, friends and so on.
But the truth is, no matter how hard you may try, not everyone is going to like you. As the saying goes, you can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the bunch, but some people just don’t like peaches. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you, you’re just not for everyone.
OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS
We spend so much time worrying about what other people think about us, when in reality everyone else is too busy worrying about what everyone thinks about them to even notice. Let’s face it, humans are, for the most part, fairly self-centered. So much so in fact that sometimes it may be hard to remember that the world doesn't revolve around us.
When we get caught up in our own stories and insecurities, we may assume that other people are doing things with the intention of hurting or offending us. We may get the feeling that everyone is out to get us and blame others for making us feel a certain way.
But the truth is that nobody else can make you feel anything, good or bad, only your own thoughts can do that. Let me explain with an example.
Let’s imagine that someone comes up to you and says, “You’re really pretty!”
You could have thought, “Oh, they’re just saying that to be nice. They don’t actually believe that. They’re just pitying me.”
Or, you could have the thought, “That is so kind of them to say. I do feel really pretty today!”
It is the same compliment, but an entirely different response. Other people's opinions cannot affect us in any way until we have a thought about them. Their words or opinions are just a neutral circumstance. Our reaction to other people’s opinions doesn’t depend on what they say, but on what we think.
WHY OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS HURT US
The best way I can think to explain why other people’s opinions hurt us is with a story from my own life.
Several years ago, I was at a backyard barbeque with some friends drinking beer. My friend’s little four-year-old boy wanted to be pushed on the swing, so I grabbed my beer and obliged. As I was pushing him on the swing, he turned around and asked me, “Are you fat because you drink beer?”
Kids, right? They’ll say anything that’s on their mind, no filter.
I tried to brush it off by responding with, “Yeah, maybe buddy,” feigning a chuckle and hoping he’d change the subject. Instead, he and another little boy burst into a song about how fat I was.
Obviously, I stopped pushing him on the swing and thankfully resisted the urge to push both of them OUT of their swing seats all together.
I grabbed my beer, walked away, and as soon as I rounded the corner of the house where nobody could see me, I burst into tears.
Did I really care what two four-year-old boys thought about me and my body? Logically, no, I didn’t. That didn’t stop it from hurting my feelings, but why?
It’s not the words other people say that hurt us. It’s when those words are confirming or reinforcing a belief or insecurity that we already feel to be true that they sting.
I already felt deep shame and embarrassment about my body. Two little boys singing a song about my fatness brought all of that shame and self-judgment back to the surface.
Think about it…
If you didn’t believe a comment someone said was true, their opinion would roll off of you like grease in a teflon skillet. If someone ran up to me and told me they hated my unicorn horn, I’d think they were on drugs and crazy because clearly I don’t have a unicorn horn.
But if they walked up and told me I was a bad business woman… it might sting. Not because I care what a stranger thinks necessarily, but because they are commenting on something that I already feel insecure about that hurts me feelings.
HOW TO USE OUR DEFENSIVENESS
Instead of feeling ashamed of our insecurities or the defensiveness you might feel when someone comments on them, consider how you can use it as a signal to you.
When we find ourselves getting defensive, it can be a beautiful opportunity for us to look inward and discover where we have some more self-love work that we can do.
Ask yourself with compassionate curiosity...
What’s coming up for me right now?
What thoughts or insecurities do I have about myself that might be making me react to this?
HOW TO HANDLE OTHER PEOPLE’S OPINIONS
First thing’s first: the most important opinion is the one you have about yourself. The key is to not let the opinion of others drown out our own inner voice.
The only person that gets to decide who you are is YOU.
There is no objective truth to who you are as a person. You are just a collection of things you believe to be true about yourself, and that’s a choice. When you believe something to be true about yourself you will then act in accordance to those beliefs, strengthening that belief and those identities to create the reality of who you are.
Tom Bilyeu once said, “It’s not about trying to reflect what you think is true, it’s about reflecting what you want to be true.”
But, at the end of the day, we must be around other people which will expose us to their opinions. The great news is that YOU get to decide whose opinion matters to you. It might only be a small handful of people whose opinion you allow to carry any weight in your mind.
Ask yourself…
Does this person’s opinion matter to me?
Is my well-being in their best interest?
What is their intention?
Is this coming from a place of love?
KNOWING WHEN TO SET BOUNDARIES
One of the most beautiful and loving things you can do is create boundaries to protect yourself and your relationships. So where in your life do you need to set a boundary? Get curious about what your protective strategies are. These can be an early signal to you that you need to set a boundary. Protective strategies might be things like defensiveness, passive aggressiveness, humor, shutting down, lashing out, emotional eating, substance abuse, or people pleasing to name a few.
If you notice these behaviors happening, especially when you’re around certain people, this might be a signal that it’s time to set a boundary. Think about it like the gas light flashing on your car. The car isn’t broken, it just needs a little extra care in order to keep running smoothly.
The holidays can be a high time for all sorts of these protective strategies to start lighting up your mental dashboard.
Maybe your aunt keeps making comments to you about that new diet she’s on or how she’s been soooo bad for eating pie and you find yourself stuffing your face with cookies to drown her out or making jokes about your own weight to mask your discomfort with humor.
Or maybe your uncle keeps bringing up controversial politics and next thing you know, you’ve downed an entire bottle of wine to yourself and you haven’t even made it past the hour d'oeuvre hour.
Or perhaps your grandma keeps guilt shaming you for never visiting enough and you start pleasing people by committing to a calendar of activities you don’t actually want to do.
Or maybe your cousin calls you a fat ass right to your face and you finally lose it enough to get into an all-out screaming session making the prayer at dinner extra uncomfortable.
HOW TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
So, how do we set those boundaries? There are five main steps.
Step 1. Understand your preferences and how best to care for yourself.
An example of this is being aware of what topics of discussion you find triggering. If you know that talking about weight and dieting is unhealthy or unhelpful for you, perhaps your preference is to avoid discussing that with family and friends.
Step 2: Create a clear boundary, physical or emotional.
This could look like communicating that your body and food choices are not open for discussion.
Step 3: Set a clear consequence that you are willing to honor.
Maybe it’s simply that you will leave the party or the table if that conversation continues.
Step 4: Communicate the boundary from a place of peace and love.
Waiting until you’re heated and angry is not effective for setting healthy boundaries. Remember that boundaries are loving for YOU but also for your relationships, allowing them to grow stronger rather than have unspoken resentment and tension. Ask kindly, share why it’s necessary for you, and do it with love.
Step 5: Follow through with the consequence if the boundary is violated.
Boundaries are only helpful when maintained. If you keep letting things slide, they will continue to occur.
If you’re feeling nervous about setting boundaries because you’re afraid of upsetting or offending other people, remember… Nobody else can make you feel anything, only your own thoughts can. Nothing you do can make others feel anything, only their own thoughts can. You are responsible for setting your own boundaries, but you are not responsible for how other people respond to them.
TAKE ACTION
This holiday season I encourage you to see it as an opportunity to set healthy boundaries and strengthen your self-belief to protect ourselves from other people’s opinions, BUT also help lift up and empower the beliefs of others. When you give to and help others, it fills them with belief and empowerment, and will also lift YOU up to become the vision of yourself. It snowballs in a beautiful way.
My challenge for you is to be the person that shifts the conversation. If you want the holiday gathering to be more loving and gracious, be the person that brings that energy with them to the party. If you want the discussion to shift away from body comments, be the person that celebrates people for non-physical things, like their creativity, persistence, integrity, intelligence, ideas, good company, and so on.
IDEAS FOR RESPONDING TO FOOD/BODY COMMENTS
We can’t control what other people say, but we do get to control how we respond. Here are some ideas for responding to comments that may feel triggering during the holidays.
DIET COMMENTS
Comments like…
“Have you tried Keto? Intermittent fasting? Or [insert diet here]?”
“You should do that cleanse, or use this product…”
Responses...
“I am making better choices for how to honor my body mentally and physically, I feel great!”
“Thanks for sharing, that may be great for you! I’m focused on making empowering and loving choices on how to fuel my body. Balance and moderation are best for my lifestyle and wellbeing.”
“I’ve been really working on my hydration, sleep, and mental health right now.”
FOOD COMMENTS
Comments like…
“You shouldn’t be eating that.”
“Wow, looks like you’ve really packed on the pounds.”
“You’re eating a donut? I thought you were on a diet.”
“A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.”
Reponses...
“I’m working on healing my relationship with food and I’d really rather not talk about dieting right now, thanks.”
“I’m so grateful we get this time to be together over our favorite foods. Can we celebrate that instead of bringing shame and judgment into it?”
“This food reminds me of…. So special to have so many great memories to share together during the holidays over a delicious meal. Thanks for making my favorite.”
WEIGHT COMMENTS
Comments like…
“Wow, you look great! What are you doing?”
“Have you lost weight? You look beautiful. What is your secret?”
“Have you gained weight? Looks like you’ve packed on the pounds.”
Responses…
“My body isn’t open for discussion.”
“I’m working on paying more attention to how I feel rather than my weight. (change the subject) How is that new job going?”
“I’m on a self-love journey and I’m shifting my focus away from food and weight. Thanks for your support!”
“I actually no longer weigh myself and I’ve never felt more free! It feels great to remove shame and guilt from eating while learning to be more in tune with what my body needs.”
“I feel healthy, thanks for asking!”
Make Space for Joy
There’s no denying that the holidays add more demands to our time, finances, and emotions across the board...
But do we really need to continue riding this emotional holiday rollercoaster year after year?
Get the guide you never you needed that includes a library of holiday pep talks for the moment you need them the most, a downloadable workbook to help you set loving boundaries with family, food, and finances, and more!