Social Media, Comparison & Body Image at Age 14 and Beyond
In this episode, I’m introducing you to a very special guest, my youngest cousin Lillie, a 14-year-old who just started her freshman year of high school. If you’ve ever wondered what you’d say to your high school self if you traveled back in time, that’s what this conversation felt like for me. I’ve come to realize that so much of what we struggle with in our teenage years is similar in adulthood, just in different forms. So whether you’re a parent to a teen yourself, or just a woman who still finds herself struggling with comparison and body image, this episode will resonate with you.
In this episode, we’ll chat about:
Staying true to yourself
The impacts of social media and comparison
Navigating our own body image and insecurities
If you could go back in time and have a conversation with your younger self, what would you say? My conversation with my youngest cousin Lillie really got me thinking. At the time we recorded this episode, Lillie was just a week away from turning 14 and getting ready to start high school.
Gosh, what a time! I remember being so excited and terrified at the same time about heading into high school. I felt like a small fish swimming into an entirely different, gigantic pond coming from my tiny, rural elementary school with a graduating class of a whopping ten students.
While it seems that not a lot has changed since I was in high school over a decade ago, at the same time there are differences that are hard for me to wrap my head around. Sure, I grew up with the beginnings of social media (hello MySpace!), but its influence on society was nowhere near the magnitude of modern day social media.
In my conversation with Lillie, we chat about what it’s like to be 14, how much weight girls put on their appearances, and what motivates them to dress or act a certain way. No surprise here, not much has changed since I was a teen. Many teenagers want to impress other people, get the attention of a crush, increase their popularity, and fit in with the “cool” kids. Honestly, it sounds similar to what it’s like to be in your twenties, too.
STAYING TRUE TO YOURSELF
When I asked Lillie how she stays true to herself, a ranch kid at heart with a passion for sports and helping others, she said she tries to remind herself why her friends are friends with her in the first place. It’s not because of what she wears or how many hours she spends doing her hair and makeup each morning (Lillie made it clear sleep wins out on her priority list here), but because of who she is as a person.
The most grounding thing for her, and myself, is thinking of the younger generation that looks up to her. She wouldn’t want her little cousins to feel as if they need to be someone else in order to have a higher status or gain popularity, so why would she?
BULLYING
I think most kids experience bullying in some form or another growing up. While it’s never appropriate to pick on someone else and it surely doesn't feel good to be on the receiving end, with time and maturity I think our perspectives can shift about those experiences. When I finally learned that other people’s bullying had less to do with me, and so much more to do with them, their own insecurities, and what is going on in their life, I felt a new sense of compassion and understanding towards them.
Lillie just recently has been learning this lesson after being bullied by an older girl on the school bus. While her bully did face the consequences of her actions, Lillie said her mom helped her realize that it wasn’t about her and more likely about what the girl was going through behind the scenes, but admits it was a hard concept to grasp.
No, bullying should not be tolerated. Yes, we should stick up for ourselves. But, I think a healthy dose of compassionate curiosity and putting ourselves in the shoes of others can help us create a more empathetic understanding about the pain and hurt that others are facing that causes them to lash out. As the saying goes, hurt people hurt people.
SOCIAL MEDIA & COMPARISON
Oh, social media, such a beautiful and complicated beast it can be, especially for young teens. It can be a wonderful place to create, share, and connect with others but it can also be a breeding ground for comparison and judgment.
The average teenager spends nine hours per day online, much of which is scrolling through social media. Lillie admits that she probably spends way too much time on her social media apps, especially TikTok. While watching other girls making videos and doing dances online, she says it’s easy to start comparing yourself and forget that so much of what we see online isn’t even real.
While I can imagine social media consumption and comparison to other people online is especially prevalent among teens, it isn’t unique to just that age group. I shared with Lillie that I myself even as a business owner find myself comparing my social media presence to other entrepreneurs as well.
Social media has created a hunger for likes and followers. When a new video, song, or dance goes viral, suddenly everyone rushes to look or act a certain way to gain more popularity. Teens and adults alike can get so caught up in the race that we have a hard time disconnecting our self worth from the metrics of our social media accounts, which can become harmful to our mental and emotional well-being.
So how do we stay grounded without falling into a comparison spiral on social media? Lillie said that tries to use it as a tool for inspiration, like finding new moves to try in volleyball. In the moments she finds herself going down a comparison rabbit hole, she talks it out with her friends to remember what is true and real. Auditing your social media feed can also be helpful to manage the type of content that you are consuming, making sure to follow accounts that positively influence your life instead of the opposite.
When it comes to creating on social media, I try to be honest with myself about my intentions. Remembering my deeper purpose, to empower other women, helps me ground myself. Everyone’s feed is a highlight reel, only showing a narrow window into the shiniest, most appealing aspect of their lives. I’ve found that being vulnerable and showing my messy humanness can create deeper connections and remind others that they aren’t alone and nobody is perfect.
BODY IMAGE & INSECURITIES
When I was in high school, my greatest struggle was my relationship with my body. I was deeply insecure about how I looked and became a master of masking it with humor. Thankfully, my cousin Lillie’s relationship with her own body is much stronger than mine was at her age.
While Lillie said she feels good about herself and her body most days, some days are harder. She doesn’t look exactly how she wants to look, but understands that her body is not a reflection of her worth.
What I wish I knew when I was younger was that all the things I so desperately wanted to feel - confident, free, and beautiful - had nothing to do with what my body *looked* like and everything to do with how I *thought* about my body. Our worth, happiness, and joy has nothing to do with our physical appearance.
The beautiful thing about this lesson I learned later in life, though, is that now that I know better, I can do better. And my sweet younger cousin Lillie can learn the lesson from me just a little bit sooner than I did, and I can’t think of a more beautiful gift to give her.