Making Space for Joy During the Holidays
By Setting Healthy Boundaries with Family, Food & Finances for the Holidays
How are you feeling going into this holiday season? Excited? Stressed? Broke? Exhausted? Thankful? Anxious? Sad? Maybe different feelings come in waves or sometimes all at once.
It’s easy to understand why the holidays might bring with them a mix of emotions, there’s a lot to manage! Between juggling the race between family functions, or maybe not getting to be with family or loved ones at all this year... Feeling the pressure to make the holiday season special, but worrying about staying within your budget... Managing all the festivities and hosting loved ones, while also finding time to relax and enjoy yourself... And giving yourself permission to eat all your favorite foods, without feeling anxious about “falling off the wagon” yet again.
The holiday season can affect us in different ways, especially during a year like this one where everything looks a little different. Whatever emotions you’re feeling, take a second to check-in with yourself and hold space to honor them.
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When I asked my community what they were most stressed about this season, it’s no surprise that family, food, and finances were at the top of the list. They are stressed about managing their time between families, sad they don’t have loved ones around to celebrate with, anxious about having self-control around all the treats, and worried about overspending their budget on gifts.
There’s no denying that the holidays add more demands to our time, our finances, and our emotions across the board. But do we really need to continue riding this emotional holiday rollercoaster year after year? Do we need to accept that they will always be stressful or is there a way for us to intentionally create more space for peace, joy, and relaxation?
I think the biggest issue it comes down to for most of us is a lack of boundaries. We overspend, overindulge, overcommit, and overdo it in general, leaving little room for us to actually have the joyful and relaxing holiday season we desperately wish for.
Instead of continuing this cycle year after year, we can choose joy. By intentionally setting some healthy boundaries for ourselves ahead of time, we create more space for joy and the things that truly matter most.
Speaking of which… Before setting boundaries, first ask yourself, “What is most important to me this holiday season? What is it that I want to FEEL?”
It’s easy to blame the holidays for how we’re feeling, but the truth is that it isn’t the holidays’ fault. It’s nobody’s fault. Not even your crazy aunt who keeps triggering you with her judgy questions, your uncle who won’t stop talking about politics, or your mother-in-law who is demanding you make it to all her family festivities regardless of your own.
No circumstance or person can make us FEEL anything, good or bad, only our own thoughts can. Which is good news! Because that means we get to take our power back and decide for ourselves how we choose to feel this season, regardless of what happens or what anyone else says or thinks.
Our minds are powerful, far more powerful than we give them credit for. While we can’t control our circumstances or the people around us, we CAN control what thoughts we give our energy to. Things grow where energy flows! So if you find yourself fixating on all that is worrying you this season, worry will continue to grow. But, if you intentionally focus your energy on all you have to be thankful for this season, gratitude will grow.
So what is it that you actually WANT to feel this season? Is it joy? Relaxation? Gratitude? Happiness? Connection?
Every feeling begins with a thought. So in order to FEEL a certain way, we have to think thoughts that create that emotion within our bodies. How do you need to think in order to feel joyful? How do you need to think in order to feel relaxed?
Decide how you want to FEEL and focus your energy on the thoughts that create that feeling within you. With that in mind, below are some tips for setting boundaries around some of the most common stressors that come up during the holidays.
But before we dive in… What is a boundary in the first place?
A boundary is an invisible line of what’s okay and not okay. Boundaries allow you to have a stronger sense of self, help to protect your mental and emotional well-being, and create healthier relationships with others. Boundaries can be both physical, such as your possessions or physical space, and emotional, such as your relationships and how you allow others to treat you. Essentially, boundaries are self-care.
Setting Healthy Boundaries During the Holidays
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH FAMILY
Family can be challenging during the holidays, whether it’s missing loved ones that aren’t around to celebrate with, or managing time between extended family obligations. Before getting caught up in the demands of your family, I want you to pause and ask yourself, “What is most important for me and my immediate family this holiday season?”
Time is our most precious resource. Nobody has any more of it than anyone else. If bouncing from holiday party to holiday party is draining your time and energy, or being around certain individuals is triggering for you, maybe it’s time to get selective about who, when, and how long you spend your time with certain people. I’m not saying you need to cancel all your plans and shut yourself inside snuggled up in front of the fireplace (although if that’s your jam, you do you), but keep in mind that just because someone wants you to be somewhere doesn’t mean you have to say “yes.”
That being said, as a recovering people-pleaser myself, I recognize that saying “no,” especially to people you’re closest to, can be extremely uncomfortable. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, disappoint your family, or create any unnecessary conflict. BUT… if you are having to sacrifice your own mental and emotional well-being to appease the wishes of others, then it’s time to set a boundary.
Saying “yes” out of obligation or people-pleasing isn’t love, it’s dishonesty. You find yourself saying “yes” to others and smiling through gritted teeth, while secretly wishing you were somewhere else. You put on a happy face, but inside resentment is growing, eventually spilling over and creating unnecessary toxicity in your relationships.
Saying “yes” to others under the guise of wanting to make them happy is a form of manipulation, wrongfully assuming you have power over someone else’s feelings based on your actions. BUT, we can’t make anyone else feel anything, only their own thoughts can do that. So focus on what YOU need, be honest with yourself and others, set clear boundaries, and keep in mind that someone else’s response is not your responsibility. It may be challenging and uncomfortable to establish boundaries initially, but in time they can actually increase intimacy in your relationships by allowing you to be open and honest about your needs rather than resentful about them not being met.
EXAMPLES:
Setting Physical Boundaries:
We’re so excited to spend time with you all during the holidays! This year we won’t be able to stay the full week as in years past. This year our family is looking forward to spending some down-time at home with just us making new holiday traditions of our own.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful invite! Unfortunately we won’t be able to join you this year, we already have plans. Sending lots of warm well wishes to you and your family!
Instead of spending most of our vacation on the road this year, we’ve decided to skip the long-distance holiday festivities. But we’d love to Facetime and are looking forward to seeing you in the new year. Thank you so much for understanding!
I’d be happy to host again this year, but I’d prefer if we could make it potluck style with everyone contributing a dish. I don’t have the energy to manage it all alone.
Setting Emotional Boundaries: If someone brings up a controversial or uncomfortable topic (like weight, dieting, politics, etc.) take a moment to breathe and gently set your boundaries before changing the subject.
I’d rather not talk about ________, thanks for respecting that. Would you mind if we talked about something else instead?
I respect your opinion/thanks for asking, but I’d really rather not discuss that right now. Any exciting plans for the new year?
Let’s just enjoy this day all together! What is your favorite holiday tradition?
I’d prefer to talk about something else more exciting. How’s your latest project going?
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH FOOD
Food is at the center of celebrations big and small across the world. Food is culture, comfort, and tradition. It’s how we connect, share, and celebrate with one another. From big Thanksgiving feasts to a full-table spread of Christmas desserts, the holiday season is the epicenter of it all.
For those that have battled their relationship with food, or are focusing on maintaining their healthy eating habits, the holiday season can invoke some feelings of anxiety and fear about “falling off the wagon.” In an uncontrolled environment surrounded by all our favorite foods, self-control can feel particularly challenging and we may find ourselves overindulging, leading to the worst holiday hangover of all - guilt.
When it comes to setting boundaries with food, let’s start here: stop telling yourself you “can’t” have certain foods, especially your favorite ones! Restriction is actually extremely counterproductive and can lead to what is known as the “Last Supper.” The Last Supper happens when we find ourselves overindulging the day before going back on a diet. Our scarcity mentality is telling ourselves that we can’t have these “bad” foods (which, by the way, there is no such thing) tomorrow or after the holidays. When we overly restrict ourselves, our body thinks it’s in a famine, so when we do allow ourselves to eat, we may overeat because our body thinks another famine is right around the corner... which is probably true if you’re telling yourself, “the diet starts again tomorrow.”
Your brain doesn’t know you’re restricting yourself to be “healthy,” it just knows that it is hungry. So nourish your body with foods that make it feel good, eat foods that you actually enjoy, and tune-in to your body when it tells you it is satisfied. If you eat 7 sugar cookies and find yourself with pants unbuttoned on the couch suffering a tummy ache, no need for the judgmental guilt trip. Just make a mental note of how your body physically felt from this choice so you can make a better choice next time. That’s it.
Eating your dad’s famous homemade pecan pie isn’t shameful. Having a second helping of green bean casserole or mashed potatoes doesn’t make you bad. Give yourself the freedom and permission to enjoy the holiday season, including your favorite foods, instead of letting the mental distractions of diet and food rules keep you from being present with your loved ones.
Honor your body with foods it enjoys. Enjoy the taste, savor the moment, and cherish the memories. And know that when it comes to food, there aren’t “good” and “bad” ones. There are simply choices. And you, my friend, get to make empowered choices about how to honor your body guilt-free. Think back to how you want to FEEL this holiday season. Decide what that looks like in terms of your food choices and go forth with confidence and joy, minus all the extra guilt and shame.
EXAMPLE:
This holiday season, I am going to listen to my body when it is hungry and fuel it with foods that both taste good and make it feel good physically. I will remind myself to stay hydrated, drinking plenty of water throughout the day, and take some time to honor my body with joyful movement. I know that I can enjoy any foods I’d like today and any day of the year. I will be present with my choices and take time to mindfully enjoy them, savoring every bite and finding gratitude for the people who prepared them with love and care. I will cherish the memories and traditions made around the dinner table and remember that while food is beautiful and delicious, the most important thing is the people I love most that I get to share it with.
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH FINANCES
Between travel costs, food, decorations, gifts, and more, the holidays can be a big financial burden. We are constantly inundated by ads and marketing for the latest and greatest things, overwhelming us with shame when we can’t afford to spoil our family with the types of gifts we think they deserve.
Living in a Pinterest-perfect and Instagram-filtered world can add even more pressure to the holidays. While it’s easy to get caught up in comparing ourselves to Hallmark movie romances or the influencer-posed perfection of the season, know that reality rarely looks like that for most people. If your holidays look less than perfect, it simply means you’re human like the rest of us. Give yourself some grace for imperfection so you don’t lose sight of all the good that lies within it.
We tend to spend unnecessary money buying things for people they likely don’t even need. It’s just what we do during the holidays, right? But draining your bank account on things that don’t matter for people who do matter isn’t creating more joy. If anything, it’s probably just increasing your anxiety and stress, leaving less mental space for you to actually enjoy the time spent with your loved ones.
While it can be tempting to overspend outside of our means in the spirit of giving, what might it feel like to give ourselves the gift of financial peace this season instead? I want you to take a second to think back to holidays past. What stands out to you? What are some of the memories you cherish most? What traditions do you look forward to each and every year?
When I asked my community what their favorite traditions were and what was bringing them the most joy this season, almost none of them had to do with gifts. They had to do with MOMENTS -- cutting down and decorating the Christmas tree, spending time with family while enjoying a delicious meal, baking and decorating sugar cookies, staying in pajamas all day watching Christmas movies, and driving around the neighborhood admiring the festive lights.
You know what wasn’t mentioned? Lavish, overpriced gifts. It’s not even really gifts that we want, it’s the FEELINGS that we get when we give and receive them. The feelings of love, joy, gratitude, excitement, thoughtfulness, and generosity. If we know that circumstances or gifts don’t create our feelings and only our thoughts do, is there a way to create those feelings without spending extra money on things we can’t afford?
Showing someone you love them doesn’t have to mean buying them the latest model iPhone. It will be outdated in a year’s time anyway. Maybe it’s a small gift that made you think of them or a homemade batch of their favorite holiday treat. Better yet, maybe it’s an activity together that will create a lasting memory that will never become outdated or forgotten.
EXAMPLE:
Last year we gifted our nieces with a small, inexpensive toy and a handwritten coupon for their first train ride. A few months after Christmas, they cashed in their coupons for a fun day with their Aunt YaYa (me) and Uncle Brenty. We took a short train ride across the county, spent some time crafting at a local sticker shop, and grabbed dinner downtown. They loved every minute of it and they still bring it up all the time, begging to go back on the train! You know what they don’t mention? Any of the toys we’ve ever gifted them. Getting to take them on their first train ride was such a fun experience and a memory we will all cherish forever. It was affordable and truly priceless.
When it comes to setting boundaries with your finances during the holidays, be realistic with yourself. Give yourself a budget that you feel is comfortable for your own financial well-being and honor that. When it comes to making purchases, take a moment to ask yourself, “What’s most important to me this season? How do I want to feel? What investments are necessary for me to focus on that? Is this purchase going to add joy to myself and my loved ones?”
Getting clear on your boundaries ahead of time helps manage added stress of the season and helps you decide what to say “yes” and “no” to so you can maintain your mental and emotional well-being. Without healthy boundaries, we may find ourselves feeling anger, resentment, or burnout. While the holidays for many of us are about sharing time with others, don’t forget to make them about enjoying this time for yourself too, okay friend?
Boundaries allow more space for joy rather than clouding your brain with worry about finances, family obligations, and food choices. You don’t owe anyone anything this holiday season, but I argue that you do owe yourself the gift of peace of mind from setting boundaries.
Download my FREE Holiday Boundaries Workbook
to create more space for joy by setting some intentional boundaries of your own!
Sending so much love and warm wishes your way for the holidays!
Coach Kiah