PSA: Losing Weight Won’t Make You Love Yourself

“I’ll finally love myself once I lose the weight.”

For a long time, I was convinced that the only thing standing between me and self-love was shedding 100 pounds or so. I thought weight loss was the missing piece — not just to self-love, but lots of things. I thought losing weight would help me fall in love, get a better job, be more successful, and the list goes on. Anything I wanted and didn’t have I blamed on my body size. “Nobody wants to date me because I’m fat. Nobody respects me because I’m fat. Nobody would hire me for a better job because I’m fat. I can’t do that, go there, or be that kind of person because I’m fat.”

I gave all my power away to the idea that certain things, including self-love, were only reserved for thin people. I was using my own deep-rooted fatphobia and size prejudice against myself as an excuse holding me back from fully embracing life as I was.

October 1, 2018 — 285 pounds

Eventually, I would get to a point where I was so disgusted with myself and my body that I’d desperately dive into yet another restrictive diet to “fix” the problem. Low and behold, I’d slip up and “fall off the wagon,” leading into another spiral of self-shame and judgment. The result? Typically, I’d end up emotionally eating for instant relief to avoid the discomfort of my feelings and wind up back at square one, having a body I was ashamed of.

It was a constant, exhausting, self-shame dieting cycle that I continued for years... until this last time.

Over the last two years, I started making better decisions for myself. I recognized that fueling my journey with self-hate wasn’t getting me anywhere, so I started doing the inner work to create a better relationship with myself. I started speaking to myself better, learned to forgive my mistakes, and gave myself space to process my emotions in a healthier way. I showed up daily to honor my body by fueling it well and making time for movement. It has been a journey with lots of ups and downs, but I did it. I’ve lost over 125 pounds naturally without restrictive dieting or a gym membership. And I’ll be the first to say that I AM SO DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF.

So, now that I’ve lost the weight, all of my problems should be solved, right? I should finally love myself unconditionally and be able to achieve all the dreams I had hoped for?

Wrong. Well, kind of.

You see, I DO love and accept myself more now than I ever have before, but it wasn’t because I lost the weight. It was the process and journey along the way that finally taught me how to love and respect myself. It was the consistent ways I began showing up to care for my mind and body. It was learning to speak to myself better, redirect negative self-talk, and finally treat myself like the friend I deserved.

Every day I showed up and kept a promise to myself, it was like depositing another coin into my self-confidence bank. I was rebuilding my relationship with myself from the inside out. I learned to finally trust myself when I said I was going to do something. I finally trusted myself to make decisions that helped me become a better version of me, instead of staying trapped in the victim mentality and punishing myself for all the ways I thought I didn’t measure up.

I had it so twisted before. I thought self-love and acceptance were a result of weight loss. But the truth is that self-love and acceptance had to happen FIRST, just as I was, whether I lost a single pound or not. And in my case, weight loss just so happened to be a side-effect of that healing relationship within me.

Had I not done the work to heal my relationship from within, weight loss wouldn’t have solved my insecurities or self-hatred. It would have just created new ones.

After losing 125 pounds, there is a lot of “baggage” left behind in the way of loose skin. I have loose, saggy skin hanging from my arms, my stomach, and my legs. Do I love my loose skin? No, not always. But rather than hiding myself in shame or beating myself up for my imperfections like I used to, I’m committed to learning to respect and love this incredible body through all its changes. I see this body for the gift that it is. It is the home to my soul, the one body that I get in this life. My flaws don’t make me bad or wrong, but they tell a story of my journey. And for that, they are beautiful.

If it’s self-love you’re after, a restrictive diet isn’t the solution. Weight loss is NOT a requirement for self-love and acceptance. It’s not necessarily even a requirement for health. And losing weight will NOT guarantee that you will finally love yourself.

You can hate yourself thin, and you can hate yourself heavy. You can love yourself thin, and you can love yourself heavy. Self-love, body acceptance, and health are not reserved for people that look a certain way, they are available for ALL of us.

If you fuel your health journey from a place of self-hate, there is no amount of weight loss that will ever heal that relationship. That work is internal, not external. And it’s the hardest, most worthwhile work we do on our journeys to health.

Stop waiting for once you lose the weight to finally start loving and embracing yourself. Start doing the internal work now to create those feelings within you exactly where you’re at. Our minds are more powerful than any circumstance outside of us. Focus on what you can control: your attitude and your effort.

Self-love isn’t a result of weight loss, it’s a lifelong relationship you have to work on. Keep in mind, no relationship is perfect, not even the one we have with ourselves. Be patient, be kind, be forgiving, and stay committed. You, my friend, are worth it. 💛

With love,
Coach Kiah

P.S. Journaling has been one of the most helpful and healing tools for me along my journey to self-love and acceptance. Giving myself time and space to process my emotions on paper has increased my own self-awareness and allowed me to intentionally redirect my thoughts in a way that better serves me and my goals. Below are a few prompts to help you get started in exploring your own relationship with yourself.

Journal Prompts

• When I look in the mirror, I feel...

• The thoughts I want to believe about myself are…

• I need to forgive myself for...

• Three things I would never change about myself are…

• I feel most confident when…