The Healing is in the Feeling
Hi there friend! Thanks for tuning in to this episode of the Climbing with Coach Kiah Podcast. I want to talk to y’all today about something you might be doing in your life to avoid the hard stuff. We all have hard stuff and experience uncomfortable emotions, because, well, it’s part of being human. But many of us have gotten really good at avoiding or numbing away from those emotions, and it might actually be the thing that is keeping us stuck from really embracing the good stuff too. Allow me to explain what I mean. Let’s dive in!
IN THIS EPISODE, WE’LL CHAT ABOUT:
Emotional eating and where it comes from
Numbing and how we use it to protect ourselves
Strategies to process uncomfortable emotions in a healthy, loving way
WHY DO WE EMOTIONALLY EAT?
Raise your hand if you’re an emotional eater. If your hand is raised, I want you to know you’re not alone. Growing up, food has always been comfort for me. When I was sad, angry, frustrated, or bored I’d eat. Heck, even if I was happy or celebrating I’d eat!
It wasn’t until I started my health journey again this last time that I finally realized why my relationship with food has been so complicated. Food was fulfilling a need for me, the need to feel relief. Sometimes it was relief from my own self-judgment or shame, sometimes it was from comparison or sadness, and sometimes it was from stress or responsibilities. The instant gratification of food, releasing a hit of dopamine with every bite, gave me immediate relief from whatever feeling or emotion I was trying to avoid. Food was my way of numbing.
WHAT IS NUMBING OR BUFFERING?
Numbing, also sometimes called buffering, is when we use an action or substance OUTSIDE of us to avoid or numb away from an emotion or feeling INSIDE of us. It’s a way we distract ourselves and avoid processing through emotions that we find unpleasant or uncomfortable.
Numbing is a strategy that our brain uses to keep us safe. It identifies uncomfortable emotions as “dangerous” thus inspiring us to seek safety, pleasure, or relief through an alternative activity or substance, like food.
Essentially, numbing it is a protective mechanism. It isn’t necessarily a good or bad thing, it’s a human thing, but it can become harmful when we mindlessly numb away all the time. We can’t selectively numb, so when we numb the bad we’re also numbing the good. Instead, it is more beneficial for our emotional well-being to find healthy ways to process through our emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant.
OTHER FORMS OF NUMBING
Food has always been my numb of choice, but numbing or buffering away from your emotions can look like a lot of different things.
Alcohol is another common form of numbing. Anytime you find yourself wanting to “take the edge off” with a glass of wine after work, that is a cue to your brain that you might be numbing. It is using alcohol as a means to avoid the discomfort of stress, proving a temporary relief to an uncomfortable emotion.
Drugs are another strategy people use to numb, but numbing doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be substance-related at all. Gambling, video gaming, and social media can also be used to buffer. I’ve found that in place of food to numb, I’ll mindlessly scroll through my social media feed to avoid my emotions.
Even actions generally seen as positive, like running or cleaning your house, can be used to numb. Anything you use or do OUTSIDE of you to avoid an emotion or feeling INSIDE of you is considered numbing or buffering.
THE BEACH BALL
Emotions are messy and feeling the feelings is hard. Unfortunately, not a lot of us were taught growing up HOW to feel. We’re taught to suck it up and move on. We’re taught to stop crying and be tough. We’re taught to hold our anger inside of us to keep everyone else comfortable around us. And the result is that now, in our adulthood, we have to increase our emotional intelligence. And, it’s hard.
So what is the solution? To learn how to reconnect with ourselves to sit and feel our feelings.
I first heard the comparison of our emotions to a beach ball from Amy Porterfield.
Imagine that our emotions are like the air inside of a beach ball. When we experience uncomfortable or painful emotions, we want to shove them down and hide them below the surface. The more we try to avoid them, the more pressure builds the further we push them down.
Eventually, something happens that causes us to lose our grip on the beach ball, or our emotions. Beach balls don’t slowly float back up the top, but the pressure causes them to burst through the surface, often at an inopportune moment.
Here’s an example. Imagine that you’re a momma and there are a lot of stressors going on in your life. Maybe there is a sickness in the family and financial strains that are wearing on you, but you keep a brave face and hold it all in for your family. Then, your kiddo leaves a lego out, trips and falls spilling cereal and milk all across the house and you absolutely lose it, exploding with anger.
Your overreaction may have nothing or little to do with the lego and spilled cereal, but more to do with the other stressors you haven’t allowed yourself to process through. But, you lost your grip, and the beach ball of emotions burst through the surface.
Instead of holding our emotions underwater, let’s learn how to release some of the pressure and process through them in a healthy, loving way.
WHAT NEXT?
What would our lives be like if we didn’t feel the need to constantly run away from our emotions?
Sure some emotions are more pleasant than others, but I think it’s important that we stop labeling emotions as “good” or “bad” or “positive” or “negative.” All emotions serve us in some way as part of the human experience. Sadness may allow us to emotionally heal. Fear may be the emotion that keeps us safe from physical danger. Anger may be the emotion that inspires us to take empowered action.
It’s okay to feel sad, cry it out. It’s okay to feel angry, scream it out. It’s okay to feel frustrated, stomp it out.
It takes more strength and courage to feel everything, than to harden your heart and soul in an attempt to feel nothing. If you numb the bad, you’re also numbing the good.
Our ability to feel uncomfortable emotions also increases our ability to feel positive ones as well.
STRATEGIES FOR FEELING
Awareness is always the first step. Become compassionately curious about some of the ways you might be numbing in your own life so you can be intentional about processing your emotions in a healthy way. Once we know how we feel, only then can we know what we need.
When you notice yourself numbing, ask yourself…
What need is this fulfilling?
Is there something else that might serve me better that can fulfill that need?
How can I create space to process this in a healthy, loving way?
Here are a few tools to help you manage stress, feel your emotions, and release some of the pressure in your beach ball.
Journaling
A journal is a judgment-free place to write down whatever is on your mind, holding space to release your feelings onto paper. This also allows you to separate yourself from your thoughts and feelings to have more compassionate curiosity for emotions and where they might be coming from. Simply taking your thoughts from your brain and putting them on paper is a wonderful and healthy way to release some of the pressure that may be building within you.
Meditation
We live in a hustle culture world, always moving and always doing. When something is wrong, our instinct is to change or fix it, but sometimes it’s slowing down and being still that we need the most. Meditation is a tool to allow us to connect to our breath and tune in to our body. If you are new to meditation, check out one of the thousands of free guided meditations available online for free to get started.
Breathing
If meditation isn’t your speed, simple breath work can be extremely helpful. Take three long, slow deep breaths holding at the top for a moment before slowly exhaling. Reconnecting with your breath can help to center you and allow you to tune into your emotions. When you know how you feel, you can know what you need.
Movement
Getting your body in motion and your blood pumping can be a great way to reconnect with your body. Just going for a quiet walk can offer some gentle movement while spending time with yourself. When I’m feeling frustrated or angry, getting out of my head and into my body can help me release those emotions in a healthy way, such as with a challenging kick-boxing class or a ride on my stationary bike.
Talking
Communicating your feelings with a trusted friend or family member can be a very healing way of processing through your emotions. Their goal shouldn’t necessarily be to fix your “problems” or solve your emotions, but simply hold space for you to feel them. When we talk our thoughts and feelings out loud it can help us get to the root of where they are stemming from, process through them, and shift our perspective.
If you don’t feel comfortable or safe facing the emotions you’ve been holding down alone, seek the support you need by finding a therapist. Getting help isn’t a sign of weakness, but of incredible strength. Therapy is one of the most loving forms of self-care one can do.
The healing is in the feeling, friends. Feel whatever it is you need to feel today, not because you are weak but because you are strong.